v21 Unfair But True: What Deborah Liu Taught Me About Power, Warmth, and Playing the Game

The only B+ I ever got in graduate school came from a class where 1/3 of the grade was based on participation. As an international student new to the U.S., I had no idea what my classmates were talking about: Super Bowl ads, celebrity gossip, cultural references that flew right over my head. I tried to explain this to the professor that "the system wasn’t built for people like me". She insisted on the grading approach and gave me a B+.

At the time, I was devastated. Not just because of the grade, but because I had internalized a belief many high-achieving women carry quietly: that we have to be perfect to be employable, promotable, and respected.

It took me years to unlearn that. And last Thursday, I sat in a fireside chat hosted by Women in Product Chicago Chapter and listened to someone put words to what I’ve lived: “Sometimes feedback is unfair, but also true.”

That someone was Deborah Liu: former CEO of Ancestry, current board member at Intuit, and founder of Women in Product, now a 30,000-strong global community. She’s the woman who pitched Facebook Marketplace during her job interview with Sheryl Sandberg, then went on to architect Facebook’s first mobile ad products and payments infrastructure. She’s also a mother of three, author, speaker and one of the few Asian American women to have risen to the top of Silicon Valley’s executive ranks.

Deborah’s stories hit hard, because they weren’t just insights from a successful woman. They were insights from someone who had once been the introverted, over-performing engineer who thought saying less and doing more was the recipe for success. It’s not. At least not for women. Not for leaders.

Here are the five lessons from Deborah Liu that I can’t stop thinking about and how they’re reshaping the way I show up, lead, and ask for help.

1. Power Is Not a Bad Word

Unfair but true:
Women who pursue power are often seen as aggressive, while men are seen as ambitious.

“Power is the ability to influence and impact the people and events around you.” – Deborah Liu

That one sentence flipped a switch for me. Power isn’t domination. It’s direction. It’s making things better because you’re in the room. But the truth is: we often hesitate to own our power because we’ve seen women penalized for it.

Deborah opened the night by talking about power, not as something to be feared or softened, but as something women must be comfortable with. Too often, power is painted as a dirty word when applied to women. Ambition gets mistaken for arrogance. Leadership is expected to come with a side of selflessness.

But Deborah challenged us to reframe it: what if power simply meant having impact? Isn’t that why many of us lead? To shape something meaningful, to improve our teams, to change the world we’re part of?

And yet… we flinch. Even among women, we sometimes judge other women for seeking power, especially if they don’t wrap it in charm, humility, or warmth. Deborah pointed out that men are allowed to be “just competent.” Women? We have to be competent and warm.

Takeaway: It’s unfair that women are judged for wanting influence. But it’s also true that owning your power is the first step toward using it well.

Self-reflection Moment: If the word power makes you cringe, ask yourself: what’s the story I’ve been told about powerful women? And how do I want to redefine it for myself, and for those watching me lead?

2. Feedback Is Unfair But Also True

Unfair but true:
You can be the top performer and still be criticized for not being “warm enough.”

“Feedback is unfair, but also true.” – Deborah Liu

That line felt like someone cracked open the quiet truth so many of us carry. That nuance matters. Because when feedback feels unfair, our instinct is to reject it. But what if it still holds a mirror?

Take warmth, for example. I’m naturally warm: empathetic, approachable, and emotionally attuned. However early in my career, working in male-dominated industries, warmth wasn’t modeled as a strength. Success looked like sharp elbows and hard edges. So I tried to tone it down, to match the energy in the room. And then, when I did assert myself, I worried I’d gone too far. It’s like women are constantly tuning a radio dial between “not warm enough” and “too soft to lead.”

Deborah’s honesty validated this tension. She shared how she wasn’t naturally warm and got dinged for it. Despite being the highest-performing person on her team, she was seen as less promotable simply because she didn’t match the emotional tone expected of women in power.

Takeaway: It’s unfair that we have to be both competent and likable. But it’s also true that perception shapes opportunity. Let’s learn the rules and decide how we want to show up.

Self-reflection Moment: You don’t have to accept every piece of feedback, but you do have to decide if it’s working for you or against you. Is the way you’re being experienced aligned with the influence you want to have?

3. Swim Downstream, Strategically

Unfair but true:
Systems are designed to favor people who look, sound, and act like those already in power.

“Swim downstream. Make things easier by getting out of your own way." – Deborah Liu

People tend to promote those who remind them of themselves. White men promote white men. Loud promotes loud. Comfortable promotes comfortable.

As Deborah reminded us, change is slow and until the system evolves, we have to survive it and reshape it. That means learning the rules, playing them with intention, and bending them when we can.

She wrote about "Swim Downstream" as a topic in 2023. Her coach told her once " You sound like you are spending a lot of time fighting an uphill battle. Why not just swim downstream instead?"

It doesn’t mean giving up. It means learn the rules of the system, recognize the expectations, and then navigate them with strategy, not brute force.

Deborah had a clear example: in consulting, she did exceptional work. Her slides were strong, her insights tight. But her rating was average. Why? “You’re not great at the client part of client service,” her partner told her. Meaning: you’re not socializing enough. Not doing the invisible relational labor. Was that fair? No. But was it true, based on the industry’s expectations? Yes.

Swimming upstream would have meant insisting her work speak for itself. Swimming downstream meant learning how to connect and choosing to do it without resentment. That's the moment she started working on being extroverted at work. Because that's what it takes to be successful.

Takeaway: It’s unfair that success isn’t only about performance. But it’s also true that strategy beats resentment. Understand the game not to lose yourself, but to stay in the room long enough to change the rules.

Self-reflection Moment: Where are you working harder than you need to? What would strategic adaptation look like?

4. Start with the Right Co-Founder (at Home)

Unfair but true:
Men aren’t asked how they balance work and family.

“The most important career decision you make is who you marry.” – Deborah Liu

It sounds deceptively simple. But it holds extraordinary weight. Deborah pointed out that while 70% of male executives have a stay-at-home partner, only 20% of female executives do. The implication? Many women are trying to lead and manage households, without the structural support their male peers often take for granted.

This deeply resonated with me. I’m fortunate to have a partner who not only supports me, but actively enables my career. When I travel or attend evening events, he steps in, not reluctantly, but confidently. He handles our kids with grace and humor, often better than I would.

That kind of partnership is not a luxury, it’s leverage. It’s what allows women like me to be present in leadership rooms without worrying what’s falling apart at home.

Takeaway: It’s unfair that women’s careers hinge on home support while men get a pass. But it’s also true that choosing a partner who lifts you up is one of the smartest leadership moves you can make.

Self-reflection Moment: If your career is important, your support system at home has to be part of the equation. Is your partner lifting you up or holding you back? Ask the question and make space for the answer.

5. You Can Be Ambitious and Ask for Help

Unfair but true:
We praise ambitious women, but only if they look like they’re doing it all alone.

“I didn’t achieve everything on my own, and I think we need to talk more about that. Working moms need to know: asking for help isn’t a weakness, it’s what makes success possible.” — Deborah Liu (paraphrased from her fireside chat remarks)

One of the most tender, generous things Deborah did during the fireside chat was say the quiet part out loud: she didn’t do it all alone.

She had a partner who stepped up, a mother who lived with them, and a nanny who felt like a third grandma. She even hired help just for one hour during morning rush hour, just to get the kids ready for school and out the door without chaos. “It changed our lives,” she said.

Hearing her say that felt like permission. So many high-achieving women, myself included, carry the mental load of motherhood and the emotional labor of leadership in silence. We think: “It’s just one more load of laundry… one more birthday party to plan…” But those little things stack. They become the reason we’re stretched thin, the invisible tax on our energy.

Deborah reminded us: asking for help isn’t a weakness. It’s wisdom. It’s a strategy.

Takeaway: It’s unfair that asking for help still feels like failure. But it’s also true that support doesn’t make you weaker, it makes you sustainable.

Self-reflection Moment: Where are you white-knuckling through something that could be eased with support? What would it look like to invest in help the same way you’d invest in your growth?

Closing Thoughts: Power, On Your Terms

Deborah Liu’s journey isn’t just inspiring, it’s instructional. Her wisdom lives in the grey areas, the double binds, the “yes, and” moments. As female leaders, we’re often navigating unfair expectations. But we’re also rewriting the rules.

If her message resonated with you, I encourage you to follow her work and pick up her book, Take Back Your Power. It’s filled with honest insights and practical tools for navigating leadership as a woman.

Here’s what I’m walking away with and what I hope you’ll consider too:

💡 Accept the “unfair but true” parts of leadership not as limits, but as signals. Don’t let them shrink you. Let them sharpen you. Learn the rules. Play them with strategy. And when you’re ready, bend them for those coming after you.

💬 Talk about the help you have and the help you need. This isn’t about doing it all. It’s about designing a life that lets you lead, love, and breathe at the same time.

I’ll be honest: I’m re-evaluating my own support system after this. Not just to make things easier, but to make space for what matters most. It’s not a weakness. It’s leadership.

Let’s stop pretending we’re doing it alone. Because power? It starts with honesty. And it’s sustained by support. You don’t have to do it all. But you do have to do it with intention.

Be ambitious. Build boldly. Ask for help bravely.
We’ll rise better and further together.

🎧 P.S. Now My Newsletter Talks Back

Prefer to listen instead of read? I turned this exact newsletter into a podcast episode, so you can take it on a walk, a drive, or just hit play while hiding in your closet for ten minutes of peace. No judgment. Because sometimes hearing the words makes them land a little differently and you deserve to feel less alone, in whatever format works for you. Or if you want to share it with a friend who prefers podcast.

▶️ Listen to “Unfair But True: What Deborah Liu Taught Me About Power, Warmth, and Playing the Game” on Spotify (Spotify link here).